Reader Discretion is Advised

I would say 'Happy Saturday', but this is one of the blackest Saturdays I've ever faced.

The story I am about to share is not for the faint of heart. It will disturb you.

This I promise.

I know you were all looking forward to a weekend listing.
I was.

But, sometimes things happen that change your whole life.

This is one of those stories.

Stephen and I were headed to Wal-Mart this afternoon to buy groceries.

We made our list and we were all set to go. I just needed to grab something to go over the shirt I had on.

So I went to my closet and put on my brown hoodie-type thing.

***********(This is where it gets awkward/awful)*****************

I was about to zip it up when I felt something in my shirt.

Assuming it was just hair, I reached to remove it.

It was a spider.

A SPIDER!

It had been roosting on my brown hoodie-type thing and crawled onto me.

I flipped.

I stripped.

I screamed.

And started shaking and crying.

(I shudder just thinking back. Big convulsive shudders)

So Stephen came in to see what the commotion was and I less than calmly screamed "Spider in my shirt!!!"

So he searched the floor, found the spider and killed it.

I couldn't stop shaking.

I was convinced it bit me.

I am still convinced it bit me.

So, if in a few days I die, or become Spider-woman, be on alert.

This could happen to you. I wasn't prepared. But I am now.

Stephen will not only bug-check my slippers, but he will be spider checking my entire closet before I will go near it.

I may never wear that brown hoodie-thing again.

Let my story caution you. I hope none of you have to face the horrors that I did. I hope none of you have to go to sleep at night and dream about the spider that attacked you.

(This is a Public Service Announcement and a true story)

Another Public Service Announcement

Ladies and Gentlemen,

I have a confession to make that may be a bit startling:
I can't stand wearing real clothes anymore.
Pajamas are the new 'in' clothes for 2010.

Unemployment has spoiled me: I wake up in pajamas, shower, then put back on clean pajamas.


If I put on real clothes, it's cause I'm going outside. Grocery shopping, "job" interview (of which there have been shocking few), church, or walking in the evenings with Stephen: these are the only reasons I go outside.

Some of you may remember the Heather who never liked to look messy. She never liked to look unpolished, I suppose one could say. That Heather is gone.

Now, I get a little grumpy if I have to actually fix my hair and put on makeup and put on jeans or 'business casual' attire for a job-related thing. And as soon as I get home from being out, the first thing I do is put back on my PJ's.

And the truth of the matter is, especially now that it is warming up (significantly) in Texas, that pajamas are just more comfortable. Since I usually spend my (long) days lounging in our apt, waiting for Stephen to come home, pajamas are better for couch-sitting, tv-watching, internet-job-applying, and book-reading.

They are like comfort food, only I don't have to eat them to be happy.

I just wear my comfy shorts and soft shirts and I'm happier.

So I support pajamas, and not just at bedtime!
I have spoken.

And now you know...

Tonight, I want to talk to you about something that is very close to my heart.

Jello.

J-E-L-L-O!!
It's aliiive! (You know you sang that in your head, or maybe out loud if you are Stephen Cowden or Sarah Lewis.)

I love jello. I can't explain it. We have a very special relationship.

I mean, what is not to love?
It's jiggly, it's tasty (basically colored sugar), and it's fun.

Jello is just fun.

There is no occasion when jello is not appropriate. I dare you think of a time when jello is inappropriate.

You can't!

Birthdays = good! Parties = good! Lunchtime = good! Dessert = good!
Thanksgiving = good!! Christmas = good!! Arbor Day = good!!
Weddings = good! Bat mitzvahs = good! Funerals = good!

There is no type of jello that is inappropriate. I dare you to think of a type of jello that is not appropriate.

It can't be done!

Plain jello, jello jigglers, jello with whipped cream, jello with fruit in it, jello with ice cream, jello and graham crackers, peanut butter and jello sandwiches!

Ok, the sandwich might be pushing it.... But still. You get my point.

Jello is delicious. Whether you're sick or healthy, old or young, tall or short.
In the summer, winter, spring or fall.

Jello is, and will always be, the universal unifier.

I have spoken.

Public Service Announcement

Today I want to talk about something very serious:

Papercuts.

That's right, I said papercuts!

Did you know that 7 out of every 8 people suffer from at least one papercut a day?
True story.

Today, my poor hands were subjected to multiple papercuts. At least a dozen, I'd say. And most anyone who knows me knows that I don't like blood, especially my own! Can you imagine the horror I dealt with today when I nearly bled to death from severe paper cuts??

So here is what I am proposing: Let's get rid of all the paper! All of it. The business world is already going paperless, tree-huggers will be delighted since it means no more cutting down trees for paper (they'll still have to talk to the beavers...), and, sure the band-aid industry will lose a little business, but I'll still wear them and band-aid makers get about half their money from me anyway, so they'll be fine.

The bottom line is, papercuts are dangerous. Deadly, even. And the only way to put a stop to them is to stop using paper.

I have spoken!