An apology of sorts

Let me just tell you:

It is kind of hard to be funny when life is boring.

Not that my life with Stephen isn't happy (cause you know he will read this :)

It is VERY HAPPY!

I love him, I love being with him.

But my job isn't very exciting.

And I still don't have very many friends who I could just call up to hang out.

So my witty side is becoming wilted.

At the beginning of May, I made a summer reading list for myself!

I've already read all the books (except 1 - Anna Karenina. So boring. And weird. And all about adultery. All things that are offensive to me)

I wanted to blog about the awesome weekend I spent with my friends (Anna, Emily and Kristin - You know who you are!!), but it already feels like so long ago and all the stories are of the "you-just-had-to-be-there" variety.

The best part about last week was when Stephen and I definitely (maybe?) decided that we aren't going to move, so we hung up a bunch of posters and got a few new ones.

I did a 1000 piece puzzle (with some assistance ((ok a lot of assistance)) from Stephen) and I glued it together and we're going to hang that up too... Someday.

But-- On Friday the 10th of June, my sista SARAH arrives!!! This will be the greatest thing (no offense to all the other things/people in my life, but I haven't seen my sister since January)!!

And then in July, Stephen and I are planning a trip to the KCMO area to see his family and some of our friends (Anna, Emily and Kristin I hope!)..

So maybe after these events, I'll have some funny to share.

My sista and friends will help water the witheredness of my wit and I'll come back with a blog post so epic your socks won't just fall off -- they'll melt!

Muahhahahahahahahaha!

I love socks.

I have spoken!

New Beginning

I'm going to use the term 'new' pretty loosely for a minute...

For some, being married for over a year may seem like old news--

To me, it's still miraculous!

I've been married to the love of my life/bestest friend for almost 16 months.

This is crazyness.

Also, we have been living in Texas for the same amount of time.

Some mornings I wake up and I still can't believe I live in Texas....

No, it has not grown on me.

These big parts of my life still feel new to me.

Something else is new too:

I have a new job!

(Shame on you if you thought I was pregnant! Shame shame shame! I wouldn't announce that on here till all of you already knew!)

I am the new church secretary of First Baptist Church in Mart, Texas.

For those of you not new to my blog, yes! It is the same church where Stephen

is the music minister!

I'm going to be totally and completely honest-- I don't really enjoy telling people I have a new job.

Don't get me wrong; it's totally a God-thing. And I am so thankful for the better pay, steady schedule, and that I like the work I'm doing now better than what I did at the bookstore.

But, I feel a little weird.

I mean, how many 23-year-old church secretaries do you know?

Just the one? That's what I thought.

Church secretary positions are usually filled by older women. I'm not ageist, it's just truth.

And for that reason, I feel a little ashamed to tell people that I am a church secretary.

I've gotten the incredulous looks, the wide-eyed wonderment looks, the furrowed-brow-is-she-joking looks and a few others.

I've heard the surprised tones, the disapproving tones, the shocked tones, etc.

But, the people at church have been so supportive. They make a consistent effort to notice what I do and affirm me and make me feel like I'm making a positive impact in our church.

So I am deciding right now not to be ashamed of my new job.

I am the secretary of FBC Mart! And I think, so far, that I am pretty good at it.

I like that it is challenging and I like that I still have more to learn.

I like the routine and I like having the freedom to decide how I want the work to be done.

I like my new job.

I have spoken!

Booooooooooooo

Texas is 100000000000 degrees.

This is not an exaggeration.

Waco is so hot, I literally want to never leave my apartment.

We are in desperate need of groceries.

But I do not want to go to Wal-Mart-- it is hot.

I have to work.

I do not want to go to work-- it is hot.

I've moved over to the other store since Stephen has been officially promoted.

It might actually be ok-- except that it is hot.

The AC on one side of the store is broken.

Which side, you ask??

The side with all the boxes of textbooks that have to be shelved.

Death!

Stephen has been sick. Fever of over 100 for the last 5ish days.

It makes him cold sometimes. Shivery cold.

And I am an inferno.

ALL THE TIME.

I feel so bad for my sickey husband.

I want to help him to feel better.

But I can hardly hug him because he's so warm!

I suppose that some things in the world are worse than heat.

But I can't think of any-- it is so hot.

I sometimes put a wet towel in the freezer and wait for it to freeze and then put it on my head.

Like right now.

Cause it is so hot.

Texas needs to have central air installed inside the state.

Or build a heat resistant bubble over the top.

I have spoken.

It's the most wonderful time of the year!

No, don't worry. I know it isn't Christmas time.

It's not Thanksgiving, or Easter, or even my birthday.

It was Memorial day yesterday, but that still isn't what I am talking about.

No, this magical event begins tonight.

"Tonight?" you ask, very confused as to what could be so exciting on a Tuesday night...

Well, it isn't Glee, as much as I like Glee. This is bigger than Glee. This is better than Glee.

This, my friends, is Wipeout.

WIPEOUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's right, John Henson and John Anderson return tonight to bring us endless entertainment as people fall on their faces (and other parts of their bodies) in pursuit of lots and lots of money.

It may baffle you as to why I enjoy this show. You may think, "How horrible! She likes to watch people fall down..."

And you wouldn't be wrong. Ok, you'd be sort of wrong.

I LOVE watching people fall down.

Please don't mistake what I am saying; it's not like I'm laughing when a little kid falls down on the playground.

These are grown people, who AUDITION to be a show where the goal is to MAKE you fall down so that Americans everywhere can laugh at you.

The hosts, John and John, purposely exaggerate a character trait (or even physical feature) that you possess and mock it the whole show. They are almost as funny to listen to as it is funny to watch the people fall.

Even if you can't understand my love of Wipeout, you should tune in at least once this season.

It's going to be hilarious.

I can still remember the first time I saw an episode of Wipeout. Anna and Kristin were with me I believe, but I don't think Janna was there. We were sitting in the living room, flipping through channels, and there it was. I don't think any of us knew what it was, but after about 10 minutes, I was hooked. From then on, I scheduled my homework around Wipeout.

Then last summer, when I lived with Nanny and Aunt Ethel, Stephen and I both looked forward to Wipeout night. It was a sad day when one or both of us had to work. Even Nanny and Aunt Ethel would watch with us! That was some hilarious times.

I am excited for this. Wipeout somehow means summer and good times ahead. While it isn't the same without Anna, Nanny, and Aunt Ethel, I am excited to have Stephen to share this magical time with.

After all, it's the most wonderful time of the year!

Wipeout season 3 is here!!!!!!!!! ABC, 8pm, 7pm central, Tuesday nights.

Watch it. Love it. I have spoken.

Woe is me...

I had a request from my lovely friend, Janna Laugherty, asking me to post on my blog again.

But, alas, I have terrible news.

I have nothing to blog about these days.

There, I said it! And I'll say it again: I have nothing to blog about these days.

Sure, things happen. I go to work, I make dinner, I hang out with my husband.

Here is what I think has happened:

I have a job now. And therefore I am around people more.

So I use up all my funny around the people that I work with during the day.

When I started at the bookstore, I was one of 4 new hires. 1 guy and 2 other girls started at the same time I did.

And, of course, there were the people who already worked there, mostly guys (including Stephen) and one other girl.

Every one has been super friendly and we've gotten to be decent acquaintances.

So during a shift, when there is a lull in the store, or when we are arranging shelves or putting away books, we get to chatting.

As you all know, and probably know well, I like to make people laugh.

My mother tells me that I am "famous" for my one-liners, and I take pleasure from eliciting laughter, especially unexpected laughter.

Therefore, it stands to reason that I spend all my funny lines, stories, or jokes on my co-workers.

And when I get home, stories from the bookstore don't seem funny when re-told in blog form, and I am at a loss for something to share with the world wide web.

Here is a list of what I did today (just so you can see what I'm talking about):
1. I woke up.
2. I cleaned the ants out of the shower (again)
3. I showered
4. I woke up Stephen
5. I fixed my hair and put on makeup
6. I put breakfast together (coffee and cereal)
7. I dried my hair
8. I checked facebook
9. I dried my hair more
10. I went to work
11. I worked; For the first couple hours, I watched the front of the store and read a book about Helen of Troy. Then I worked with Stephen to remove old stickers from some textbooks
12. At noon, Stephen and I went to lunch
13. I went back to work at 1245
14. I peeled more stickers off of books
15. I went home at 3
16. I watched the entire 2nd disk of How I Met Your Mother season 1 and made dinner while I waited for Stephen to get home (at 6)
17. We ate dinner
18. I talked to Sarah (my sister) and Stephen talked to his family
19. We went to Wal-Mart
20. Stephen bought me a Frappuccino from Starbucks
21. We came home and put away our Wal-Mart purchases
22. I sat on the couch, drank my Frappuccino and checked facebook
23. I noticed Janna's request for a new blog post

And now we've come full circle.

I believe that this is enough evidence for you all to believe that I am speaking truth when I say I have nothing to blog about these days.

So, if it is another week or two before I post, I apologize.

If you need someone to blame, blame my co-workers.

Or move here. Then you'd get to be here and hang out with me instead of having to wait for my blog to make you laugh.

Cause you know if you were here, I'd make you laugh.

I have spoken.

Five Stages

This Sunday's edition of Weekend Listing is going to be a sad one.

Today, I have gone through the five stages of grief:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

Why, you ask? What has happened to cause me to go through all these stages in once day?

Well, I'll tell you.

This morning, my hair dryer would not work.

Stage 1: Denial
After I put on my makeup, I picked up my hair dryer to dry my hair before church. I made sure it was plugged in first. Then I flipped the little switch. Nothing happened. So I reached up (I was upside down with my glasses off) and made sure it was all the way plugged in and pushed that little red button. Still nothing. So I unplugged it and plugged it in again and pushed the little red button. Still nothing. So I straightened up and put on my glasses and called for Stephen. I said that the outlet wasn't working. So I went out into our room and tried the outlet by my closet. Still nothing. I unplugged and plugged it, and again pushed that little red button. Again, nothing. So Stephen took it into the other bathroom and tried it. I began to feel a sinking feeling in my stomach. He came back and said the 2 saddest words you can hear about a hair dryer, "It's dead."

Stage 2: Anger
I froze for a moment. Then the madness welled up. Of course the hair dryer (that I've had for about 2 years) would decide not to work on a Sunday morning when I need to dry my hair to go to church!! How dare it stop working!! Now I would have to figure out a way to put my hair up with those little clips (that hurt my head after a few hours) really fast, cause we had to leave soon! I contemplated throwing that un-handy device clear across the room. And then I had a thought...

Stage 3: Bargaining
Maybe it wasn't really all the way dead. Maybe I could find a plug somewhere in the apartment that could make it come back to life. Maybe I just didn't press the little red button enough times. Maybe ALL the outlets in the apartment were burnt out and nothing worked. Maybe we just needed to flip the fuse!

Stage 4: Depression
As I realized that all of these suggestions were ludicrous, I almost started to cry. A woman grows to depend on her hair dryer. It's a source of comfort to know that it will be there, working properly in the morning. It becomes a part of the routine. So when it malfunctions (or in my case, just stops turning on) it's both shocking and very very sad... And to make matters worse, not only was my hair dryer sitting in the trash can, I had to go to church with wet hair! These thoughts were enough to make me want to lay back down and cry instead of going to church.

Stage 5: Acceptance
But, eventually, I came to realize that this was not the end of the world. I could put my hair up with the little clips. No, it wouldn't look super great, but at least I wouldn't have wet hair down my back. At least I could throw in a cute headband to distract from the fact that my hair had not been dried properly. At least Stephen and I could go to Wal-Mart later to buy me a new hair dryer so that I don't have to go to work tomorrow with wet hair. So I clipped up my hair and we left for church (only a few minutes later than Stephen wanted to leave).

So that is my Sunday morning saga.

It was sad, yes, but I triumphed.

And here is the moral of the story:

One might consider having an extra hair dryer on hand for those unforseen circumstances.

I have spoken.

Let's hear it for the coffee...

I love my husband a lot.

I love him even more than I love coffee.

And there are few things in this world that I love more than coffee.

I LOVE COFFEE.

If you've been around me in the morning, you know that I am happiest if I get about a cup and a half of the good stuff.

If you've hung out with me in the late afternoon or early evening, you know that there are few desserts that compare with a fancy cup of joe (Unless there's cheesecake or ice cream, I'm having coffee).

Coming from the land o' Starbucks, Seattle, where there literally IS a Starbucks on every corner, has made me appreciate this delicious beverage.

Cold, with ice, frappucchino style, hot, with ice cream floating in it, with whip, different flavors, with syrup, with drizzle: the possibilities are limitless.

The only way I don't like coffee is plain. Or with too much caramel. I'm not a fan.

Some have hypothesized that perhaps I like the fancy flavorings and not the actual coffee.
But I must refute this theory.

That is like saying that I like the icing more than I like the cake.
Or that I like the music but not the lyrics.
It would be like loving the Bel and Biv but not De Voe.

It just doesn't work.

All those fancy toppings and flavors are nothing without good coffee at the center!

When Stephen and I were in Bolivar and in Cleveland, we bought whole coffee beans and ground them ourselves (well, with a grinder). If we had yucky beans, no matter how much creamer or sugar we put into it, it was still bad coffee. If we had good beans, we could put just a touch of creamer and sugar and the coffee would be fabulous.

Now that we are in Waco, we've found a brand of already ground coffee that we like. And we still get different creamer flavors, but it's the coffee that makes it yummy.

Plus, the caffeine side affects are fun. Stephen gets "coffee hyper" and likes to be creative and crazy (and sometimes he gets obnoxious). I think I am pretty much the same.... Well, maybe I get a little hyper...

We'll call this my ode; my ode to coffee.

'How do I love thee, Coffee?
Let me count the ways;
I love thee for making my breakfast yummier,
For being the reason I can stay awake on rare days I go to work,
Because without you, I'd laugh a lot less at Stephen,
For being warm and cozy in the winter,
For being cold and refreshing in the summer.
Oh, Coffee, I love thee for all these reasons.
And so many more!

Coffee is awesomeness times a bazillion, and if you don't already love it, you should.

I have spoken.

Shoe Things

I have decided that one of the most uncomfortable things ever is having to walk around with a thing stuck in your shoe.

It's awful!

And it's even more painful/annoying when you are unable to stop and get the thing out of your shoe for a while.

Let's say you are on a first date. You want to make a good impression, right? He picked you up, you're headed to a nice restaurant, and you're excited. But on the way into the place, you get some thing stuck in your shoe. You can't shake your shoe out at the table; you would look silly. And you could excuse yourself to use the restroom, but you went to the restroom like 5 minutes ago and you don't want your date to think something is wrong with you. So you leave it in there. And then you have a super hard time paying attention to conversation, because all you can think about is having something stuck in your shoe.

Or let's say that you are at work. You decided to wear your cute boots and you are looking awesome. Then, you feel a little pebble or some thing stuck in your boot! Now you are really in a pickle. You can't take off your boot at work... It would look strange and be time-consuming. Someone might accuse you of being a 'time-thief'. So you leave it in, promising yourself you won't wear boots to work for a long time.

How about this: You are out walking your dog. Or to be more accurate, he is walking you. You are being pulled so quickly down the sidewalk that people look like peach-colored blurs in your peripheral. Suddenly you feel it: a stabbing thing is in your shoe. But can you top to remove said thing? NO! You are propelling down the street, at the mercy of your dog. You just pray that the thing doesn't rub a big hole in your foot till you get home!

Well, here is my story. I had a temporary job today. I wore little brown slip-on shoes with those knee-high nylon socks. The place I was working was not easy to find and I was running late and I was frustrated. And in my haste to get inside the building, I was careless. I stepped out of my shoe hurrying in, and a little pebble wedged itself in. Not in my shoe. No, this little thing got all the way into my nylon sock! How, you may ask?

I HAVE NO IDEA.

But, there it was. And I couldn't very well roll up my pant leg and pull off the sock and shake it out right there in the front room of the office. So I left it there. Left it there for 9 hours.

It was truly, truly one of the longest days I have ever spent anywhere.

So here is my caution to you all: Step lightly. Avoid those things at all costs.

I have spoken.

Another Public Service Announcement

Ladies and Gentlemen,

I have a confession to make that may be a bit startling:
I can't stand wearing real clothes anymore.
Pajamas are the new 'in' clothes for 2010.

Unemployment has spoiled me: I wake up in pajamas, shower, then put back on clean pajamas.


If I put on real clothes, it's cause I'm going outside. Grocery shopping, "job" interview (of which there have been shocking few), church, or walking in the evenings with Stephen: these are the only reasons I go outside.

Some of you may remember the Heather who never liked to look messy. She never liked to look unpolished, I suppose one could say. That Heather is gone.

Now, I get a little grumpy if I have to actually fix my hair and put on makeup and put on jeans or 'business casual' attire for a job-related thing. And as soon as I get home from being out, the first thing I do is put back on my PJ's.

And the truth of the matter is, especially now that it is warming up (significantly) in Texas, that pajamas are just more comfortable. Since I usually spend my (long) days lounging in our apt, waiting for Stephen to come home, pajamas are better for couch-sitting, tv-watching, internet-job-applying, and book-reading.

They are like comfort food, only I don't have to eat them to be happy.

I just wear my comfy shorts and soft shirts and I'm happier.

So I support pajamas, and not just at bedtime!
I have spoken.

Summertime is a comin'

"I will live my life as a lobster-man's wife on an island in a blue bay. He will take care of me, he will smell like the sea, and close to my heart he'll always stay"*

For those of you who read my husband's blog, a few days ago he blogged about his warm weather playlist. I contributed some ideas to his compilation, but he and I do have some differing tastes in music.

Thusly, I present Heather's Ideal Summertime Tunes!!!

1. A must-have on this playlist is Justin Timberlake. Super strong beats and his smooth voice make the ideal music for rolling down the windows and cruising. Personal favorites include Lovestoned, Rock Your Body, and Summer Love.
2. Matchbox Twenty is the ultimate in summer jams. Who doesn't love Real World, Disease, or 3AM? They take me straight back to the 90's and make me wanna rock out at a high school dance.
3. For something a little swingier, I've turned to a new favorite, Ingrid Michaelson. Some of my favorites include *Far Away, Highway, You and I, and of course, The Way I Am. She's got such a soft, smooth way with her music. It's warm and summery and I love it.
4. I would be lying to myself and to all of you if I didn't put John Mayer in my top 5. There is something about his voice and guitar and band that just smells like summer. I want to toss my sunglasses on and go lay on a beach and listen to Neon or My Stupid Mouth or most anything from Where the Light Is.
5. Kelly Clarkson is the summer between my 10th and 11th grade years; she is the summer between my senior year of high school and going off to college; she is the summer between my freshman and sophomore years in college. Basically, Kelly is summer. Breakaway and Thankful are my favorite CD's, but she's got some good ones from My December and I've even found a few I like from her newest CD All I Ever Wanted.

Of course, I could make a much longer list that included more specific songs, instead of artists. Songs like Flavor of the Week, Pinch Me Irreplaceable, Evacuate the Dancefloor, Good Girls Go Bad, Begin Again, Gold Digger, Slide, Crazy for this Girl, I Must Be Dreaming, and Come On Get Higher.
Or I could list more artists, like Jack Johnson, Colbie Caillat, Michael Buble, and the ever-awesome SmashMouth.

So there it is, folks. My happy list of summertime jams.

I have spoken.

(Anna Robertson can relate to my musical tastes and choices more than anyone else (because she is my song soul-mate) and I hope she thinks this list does my musical collection justice!)

Bunburry

(For artistic purposes, please imagine me reading this to you with a British accent:)

This evening, I had the distinct pleasure of viewing one of my favorite movies with my charming husband, Earnest. Of course, his Christian name is actually Stephen, but it has always been a girlish fantasy of mine to love a man with the name Earnest. The name itself inspires absolute confidence.

Oscar Wilde's satirical masterpiece, The Importance of Being Earnest, is AMAZING!! I adore it. The play, in both script form and performed, is sublime. The movie is utterly impeccable. I especially acclaim Colin Firth's performance. He is superb.

(Ok, you can stop imagining my British accent now.)

I was all set to write a post about an amazing discovery. Stephen and I went for a walk this evening (It was gorgeous! About 70 with a cool breeze!) and we decided we wanted a cool treat. So we walked to Burger King (which is super close to our apt) and ordered milkshakes. They have an Oreo sundae shake right now, which is awesome, so I ordered that. And then, the woman asked me a question that changed my milkshake forever: "Vanilla, chocolate or strawberry?" What?!?!?! That's right folks, I was able to order a STRAWBERRY OREO SUNDAE shake. It was amazing. Like a little piece of heaven in this muggy, hot place (aka: Waco). Just delightful.

(And the British accent comes back here:)

So that was going to be my post... Until we came home and decided to watch The Importance of Being Earnest, which inspired me in several ways:

A: I began to talk with a British accent.
B: I have been calling Stephen 'Earnest'
C: I now have a new plan: to become a 'Bunburrist'!!

If you are unfamiliar with the play or movie, then I shall attempt to explain the Bunburry part, but the rest you'll have to see for yourself, and you should because it's wonderful:

In The Importance of Being Earnest, one of the main characters, Algernon Moncreiff, has created an invalid by the name of Bunburry so that he can escape life in the city and his Aunt- Lady Augusta Bracknell. Conversely, another character, Jack Worthing, has created a younger brother by the name of Earnest to escape life in the country and to see his love, Gwendolyn. Near the beginning of The Importance of Being Earnest, Algie (as he is commonly known) has accused Mr. Worthing of being "an advanced Bunburrist".

So here is my proposition: Earnest (Stephen) and I will create a "Bunburry" who likes to travel-to Missouri, to Oklahoma, to Illinois, to Washington- but they often fall ill in these places and require our immediate attention. It's flawless!

Bunburry-ing here we come!

I have spoken.